You can probably tell, but this is the first book I’ve ever written. It’s been a long time in the making. It took me two years to finish writing, but I came up with the concept in the fourth grade; back when I first discovered I wanted to be an author. It went through many iterations, but I’m finally settling on something like this to get this story out of me. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, even when I tried not to be. And these characters have been a part of me my entire life. Now, they’re a part of yours if you let them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Typically, you thank the people who’ve helped you get to this point, which I’m grateful for their help, they know who they are, but I don’t want to dox myself, so I mainly want to thank you. I know this will be hard to believe, and you can call it BS, but I would die for you. I believe you’re worth it\u2014more worth it than me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For context, I have a pretty negative perception of myself (I discovered this in therapy). It turns out it’s not normal to find your life completely worthless compared to everyone else’s and to put everyone else’s needs before yours. It’s gotten so bad at points I’ve taken my life because I believed I was a burden to this world. Like\u2014I successfully stopped my heart and breathing. Only to be revived by paramedics or loved ones. I’ve hurt a lot of people. And I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve taken my life and hurt those around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s a significant reason why I’ve written this book. If you have yet to catch on by now, that message at the start of the book, “For you. I hope this book reaches you in time.” isn’t to a specific person I know in particular. It’s to a past version of me right before I decided to take my life. Because if I had never made that decision to hurt myself, I wouldn’t have lost her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a suicide pact with my first love. And I initiated it by taking my life with my first suicide. She followed me down and took her life as well. Only I was revived, and she wasn’t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I killed my girlfriend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I guess it’s obvious where my inspiration for Delilah comes from now, huh? That will always be my biggest regret. And every time I’ve tried afterward to join her, I always come back. It’s like something won’t let me leave. Not yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This book exists to remind me to keep going, to keep me alive. I read it every day. Just so you know, my farts smell great. But it’s my pride and joy, my life’s work. And if it helps just one person who decides to read it, then the thousands of hours I poured into this were worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So thank you. And please, don’t hurt yourself anymore. Cherish your life because I cherish yours. If you need advice or someone to listen to, talk to God. Because she’s the only one who will listen. Even when you think she isn’t. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. It’s hard to look at you with empathy. Because sometimes I feel like I’ve become what you were scared to be. It is hard to care for you because if I’m feeling bad for you, then I’m feeling bad for me. And I feel like we don’t deserve that. It’s why I’m always looking down on you; I know that hurts. I’m sure you want to leave. And I’ve been trying to find a reason for us to stay. But I’ll be here for you if things get worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You can probably tell, but this is the first book I’ve ever written. It’s been a long time in the making. It took me two years to finish writing, but I came up with the concept in the fourth grade; back when I first discovered I wanted to be an author. It went through many … <\/p>\n